I’ve been compiling this list all year. Enjoy.
“Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results” is the definition of insanity…but also my strategy in Angry Birds.
— Jackie Adkins (@jackie) January 3, 2013
A woman can determine if she’s pregnant in less than 2 minutes. But it takes up to 10 days to successfully unsubscribe from an email list.
— Gino Bona (@GinoBona) January 4, 2013
If the Congress swearing in ceremony isn’t just a blistering string of profanity, I’ll have even less faith in our elected officials.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) January 4, 2013
I love it when you’re about to send a ‘sorry, running late’ text & you get one from the person you’re meeting.
— Anna Hart (@AnnaDotHart) January 5, 2013
Let me also say this: Rudy is a ridiculous and overrated movie.
— Ken Wheaton (@kenwheaton) January 8, 2013
If you can’t communicate without using PowerPoint, you can’t communicate.
— Meeting Boy (@MeetingBoy) January 8, 2013
Five almost identical guys dressed the same. One Direction OR a digital strategy department?
— Jessica Stanley (@dailydoseofjess) January 8, 2013
Girls guide to watching sports: Find the hottest player. Buy his jersey. Only know his name & scream it at bars/games. Am I doing it right?
— mindy reznik. (@dupreeblue) January 25, 2013
If you are honest, truthful, and transparent, people trust you. If people trust you, you have no grounds for fear, suspicion or jealousy.
— Dalai Lama (@DalaiLama) January 28, 2013
I wish coffee never got cold.
— Jocelyn Rimbey (@JocelynRimbey) January 31, 2013
Being a jerk on the Web won’t get you far. Yet neither will being too nice. Success lies in a delicate balance mostly sociopaths can master.
— Marketing Douchebag (@mktgdouchebag) January 31, 2013
Middle seat on the plane gets right of first refusal to *both* armrests. C’mon now, aisle and window.
— Jeff Elder (@JeffElder) February 4, 2013
Sometimes I wonder if my neutral face is a scowl.
— Ashlyn St. Ours (@ashlyn_stours) February 5, 2013
Totally crushing on this high school senior on Teen Jeopardy! Pretty sure I’ve officially reached an all time low.
— Jessica Weil (@Jessica731) February 7, 2013
@jmitchem Vegas is a human bug zapper.
— Clay Fowler (@clayrelwof) February 10, 2013
Words are hard.
— Greg Tarnoff (@gregtarnoff) February 14, 2013
Miss the days when Stevie Nicks used to make that choking sound.
— Wayne (@Toaster_Pastry) February 20, 2013
I always feel for kids screaming on a plane. If I saw a bunch of business people and realized that was life ahead, I’d cry, too.
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) February 21, 2013
— Brendan Rohr (@BrendanRohr) March 5, 2013
Just a note to Google Glasses enthusiasts, you’re going to look even dorkier than the bluetooth headset crew.
— John January (@americopywriter) March 7, 2013
Oz the Great and Powerful is more proof Hollywood is contractually required to produce at least one movie per year for drug users.
— Bob Knorpp (@BobKnorpp) March 8, 2013
@jmitchem That kind of makes me want to pay for your badge and airfare.
— Jennifer Spencer (@jennalyns) March 8, 2013
Scientists in Russia have brought bacteria up from a lake buried under 2.4 miles of ice. Idiots. http://t.co/fisjfkmZWK
— Sid Murlidhar (@brownkidsid) March 8, 2013
nothing sounds good I hate everything
— Sarah M. Shumway (@smshum) March 11, 2013
Empathy is a fucking superpower.
— ₩เlժŦl๏ฬєг³ (@soul_occupance) March 17, 2013
In Mexico, the Uno card game is called “One”.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) March 18, 2013
Ignorance is the inability to understand concepts from alternate views. So don’t be quick to judge others as ignorant. It might be you.
— Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) March 21, 2013
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) March 22, 2013
A quick pass through LinkedIn confirms that everyone in America who’s worked more than 3 years claims to know marketing strategy.
— Sean Cafferky (@SeanCafferky) March 22, 2013
“If you think it’s expensive to hire a professional, wait until you hire an amateur.”
— ςคtคгเภo (@Catarino) April 3, 2013
Nothing makes me want to buy dish soap more than a sponge talking with a french accent.
— John Kochmanski (@JohnKochmanski) April 3, 2013
Rule: It always takes longer to find something to watch on Netflix than it does to watch something on Netflix.
— Laila Lalami (@LailaLalami) April 12, 2013
That date was a total waste of makeup.
— Brandy Mills (@BTweetsinCLT) April 20, 2013
Talent, I believe, is most likely to be found among nonconformists, dissenters, and rebels. - D. Ogilvy.
— Diego Figueroa (@difefe) May 3, 2013
So Lauryn HIll gets jail. Meanwhile, on Wall Street...
— Jorge (@mediajorge) May 6, 2013
The future of advertising isn't advertising. So you might as well get really good at telling stories. Not ads. Stories.
— Gunther Sonnenfeld (@goonth) May 9, 2013
@LenKendall Fuck. I'd have broken the top off it by then.
— Andrea Kuszewski (@AndreaKuszewski) May 10, 2013
You can't find love. It comes to us unbidden and unannounced. And then we give it to others.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) May 29, 2013
Disney execs should go back and ask why people still watch Cinderella before they give up on 2D.
— Brian Johnson (@therabbitshole) June 2, 2013
My 6 yr old just ran into a wall looking at a pretty girl. I'm good with that.
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) June 7, 2013
Dear loud talker sitting next to me in the airport: You should get a second opinion on that condition. Also: Ew.
— Lisa Hoffmann (@LisaHoffmann) June 11, 2013
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason I have trust issues.
— Will Ferrell (@WillyFerrell) June 18, 2013
When you can see all the less fortunate around you as being members of your extended family, everything begins to change.
— Sean Cafferky (@SeanCafferky) July 10, 2013
Stop saying: "Here we grow again!"
— eammon (@eammon) July 10, 2013
Actual conversation in my kitchen: Me to toddler: "Say thank you." Him: "Thank you." Me: "You're welcome." Him: "I'm welcome."
— Jennifer Spencer (@jennalyns) July 15, 2013
Patient's wife argued with me what is considered normal blood pressure. Forced to beat her with my framed medical diploma.
— Wayne (@Toaster_Pastry) July 19, 2013
Usually being on hold with a store is annoying. This time Ripple by the Grateful Dead was playing and I was annoyed when they picked up.
— Craig Utt (@axismg) July 20, 2013
Oh you don't like dogs but cats are great? Try and look up a "cat reuniting with soldier home from war" video.
— Jackson Eppley (@jacksoneppley) July 23, 2013
Does that cage-free egg really make you feel less guilty about stealing a hen's baby?
— Jason Fox (@jason_fox) July 25, 2013
Can you imagine Jesus applauding you for consistently valuing profits over people? Based on your actions, his whole message was "Get Money!"
— Sean Cafferky (@SeanCafferky) July 28, 2013
Everyone thinks they are writers. And trying to prove them all wrong takes up most of my day.
— Sid Murlidhar (@brownkidsid) August 6, 2013
Columbia is where God focuses his magnifying glass to burn people like ants. RT @tommytomlinson It's 95 degrees in Columbia.
— Jeremy Markovich (@deftlyinane) August 29, 2013
I mean-mug construction vehicles/monsters so hard. It's like my only defense is bitchfacing them into submission.
— terryl banta (@terrylbanta) September 4, 2013
My favorite part of the song "Rocket" by Def Leppard is when he says, "Guitar! ... Drums!" and then those things happen.
— Santa Josh (@JoshuaGregg) September 10, 2013
69% of all people find something sexual in every tweet or status update. 🙂
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) September 15, 2013
"If you wrote something for which you got a check, and it didn't bounce, and if you paid the light bill, you're talented." Stephen King
— Claire Diaz-Ortiz (@Claire) September 23, 2013
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) September 27, 2013
You've just been endorsed for a skill on LinkedIn: Doing Work For Free or For Less Than Its Value
— Rich Barrett (@RichcBarrett) October 3, 2013
a guy is only as hot as his reaction when he walks into a spider web
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 4, 2013
"Let's open this facebook up oh boy vaccine paranoia, beating kids is cool, should be legal to shoot poor people well I'm done"
— Klaus Snowmi (@AngryFeels) October 10, 2013
Cat puke is Swiffer Sweeper's kryptonite.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) October 13, 2013
There's a urinal in Penn Station splattered with diarrhea. Possibly a #Banksy?
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) October 16, 2013
"Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work." -Gustave Flaubert
— Vincent Ammirato (@VincentAmmirato) October 18, 2013
Rarely am I more filled with dread than when my house is quiet and my kids are in it.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) October 19, 2013
— Jeremy Markovich (@deftlyinane) October 30, 2013
Pollution sure does make for beautiful sunsets!
— beth kushner (@bekushner) November 12, 2013
Hi, Russia? Yeah, wondering if it's too late to submit my application to be one of those rhythmic gymnasts you pump out. I'm twent—hello?
— terryl banta (@terrylbanta) November 21, 2013
Calling oneself a partner while getting compensated like a vendor proves that self-delusion may be our industry’s greatest skill.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) November 22, 2013
The Obama admin has worked peacefully with Iran, Syria and Russia, but can't reach any deals with Republicans. Let that sink in a moment.
— Jerri (@jerrigirl) November 24, 2013
I thought Doctor Who was an owl.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) November 25, 2013
i'm not racist but if i'm in traffic and someone isn't doing exactly what i want them to do exactly how i want it then yeah i'm super racist
— Little Loca (@SheaSerrano) November 26, 2013
Sometimes I look at my keyboard and panic that it’s an anagram of everything I could possibly think.
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) November 30, 2013
Twitter has been so much easier since people stopped listening to each other.
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) December 10, 2013
How's about this for a holiday party - give people money and the day off. That sounds festive.
— Stephen Riley (@stephenriley) December 10, 2013
i don't have a bucket list, but my fuck it list is a mile long
— trina (@altrinative) December 13, 2013
My son had to tell a small moments story from his life. Even at 5 he sensed that would be boring, so he went with something about dinosaurs.
— Yukon Charnelius (@Ugarles) December 18, 2013