Let’s get right to it – I don’t give a damn about unlocking badges or stockpiling points in a virtual game that involves people I’ve never met visiting places I’ll likely never visit. Which is not to say that Foursquare isn’t relevant. It is. Folks everywhere are now experts on how to manipulate the service for commercial application. Stuff that most anyone can learn with minimal effort, rather than attend love-in conferences on the topic. But I’m not here to diss the experts. We all have to make a living. Rather, I’m here to talk about how I use Foursquare: Murder. Specifically, mine. 

The way I see it, I’m going to get whacked at some point. It’s inevitable. I don’t know who the murderer is yet, but I know someone’s out there’s watching me. Which is why I’m always diligently vigilant in crowds of people – like a CIA agent guarding the president in a movie that stars me as the president. 

Anyway, I use Foursquare as a way to help the police solve my future murder. When the Foursquare guys finally agree to open my account to the cops (as a result of this blog post, actually) the data will reveal my every move. They’ll know where I’ve gone. When I was there. Hell, thanks to Foursquare’s brilliant data concatenation, they’ll know who else was wherever I was too. Then they’ll use this data to retrace my steps like Bobby Brady used popcorn in Hawaii. Eventually they’ll make it requisite for all GPS devices to operate on Foursquare’s platform without users even knowing it. Stalking will go the way of crank phone calls. 

Keep your badges and points. I use Foursquare for more important things – like stopping my own future murder by foiling the murderer’s plot with this post. 


Jim Mitchem/@smashadv

Posted via email from 300 Words

Too Perfect.
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Jim Mitchem

Writer. Father to daughters. Husband. Ad man. Raised by wolves. @jmitchem on twitter. First novel, Minor King, out now.