When you’ve been driving for as long as I have, you start to notice patterns in people and the cars they drive. I’ve compiled this list to help you understand people a little better based on their cars.
Lexus: No it’s not a Mercedes, but it’s still better than your POS.
Ford: I can’t afford a European import so I justify this car as “supporting America.”
Land Rover: In my mind I’m driving across African plains teeming with wildlife, not sitting in rush hour traffic listening to sports talk radio.
Toyota: I live in the suburbs. Duh.
BMW: “I’m 30 minutes away. I’ll be there in 5. Don’t tee off without me.”
Dodge: That’s not a dent on my hood, that’s a trophy from a buck I bagged last October.
Mercedes (white): “Darling, should we order the Beluga caviar, or the Sterlet? We have to let Bryce know today for the gala at the house on Saturday.”
Jeep: I may be balding and 50 pounds over my playing weight in High School, but if you cross me I’ll jump out of this Jeep and crack open a can of woop ass.
Acura: See Lexus.
Volkswagen: “Hey, you guys, look. I know I’m just the dude that carries the bags, but it seems to me we all play an important part in this group. I mean, we’re just like a big, delicious banana split. Fred, you’re the big banana; Daphne, you’re the pastrami and bubble gum-flavoured ice cream; and Velma, you’re the sweet-and-sour mustard sauce that goes on top.”
Buick: Ever since my Johnny showed me how to use the DVR, I never miss an episode of Judge Judy.
Jaguar: Had an “eject” button installed for the passenger seat.
Honda: Yes, I really wish I had a Volvo, but you can’t argue with a car that’s safe, dependable, and holds its retail value. It’s perfect. I’m perfect. And I have a perfect family.
Mercedes (black): My wife plays tennis every morning and might be having an affair with our pool man, but at least I’m driving this.
Kia: Has pet hamsters, and no children.
Chevrolet: Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and NASCAR.
Prius: “You clearly don’t give a damn about the planet. You disgust me.”
Any style pickup truck: Republican.
Volvo: I care more about my family than you do about yours.
Any style minivan: I really have no idea how parents managed before automatic sliding doors. I mean, really.
Audi: I’m not saying that I’m smarter than you, but…yes I am.
Tesla: Everyone’s looking at us. Look! See? That guy just looked.
Hyundai: It’s the new Toyota. #SuburbsFTW
Cadillac: Some days I just drive around town pretending it was the 1970s.
Porsche: See Corvette.
Nissan: [WOMAN, 35, WITH A TODDLER ON HER HIP AND TWO TWIN BOYS IN TOW WALKING THROUGH STRIP MALL PARKING LOT TALKING ON A PHONE PRESSED AGAINST HER EAR BY HER SHOULDER AS SHE FUMBLES THROUGH HER PURSE FOR KEYS]: “I hear you Margie, but you know he’s not really like that. Deep down I think he still loves you … hold on one sec, Marge– TIMOTHY QUIT PEEING ON YOUR BROTHER’S LEG!”
Hummer: I told you that gas prices would go back down, bitches.
Subaru: [SUCKING NOISE] Dude, don’t be such a bogart. Dude–look out for that deer!
Oldsmobile: So help me if you take a handicapped spot and your placard isn’t clearly visible I’ll call the police and wait right here outside of this WalMart until they arrive.