In 2001 I became a parent. I chose to become a parent. But like everyone else who is a parent for the first time, I wasn’t sure whether I could raise good humans. I still don’t. I have to be honest, I didn’t even really like kids before we had our first one. But then we did, and I fell in love with the job. And yes, I’ve messed up as a parent. A lot. Almost every day, in fact. But I’ve learned that the most important thing about parenting is caring. And I’m not talking about nonchalant caring, but rather deep, emotional caring. The kind of caring that you don’t even realize exists until you have a child of your own. And it’s this kind of caring that propels you through parenthood–stumbling as you go, but always looking out for the best interest of the child. After all, your most important job as a parent is to produce quality citizens to release into the world. People who know the difference between right and wrong. Good and bad. Truth and deceit. People who will positively contribute to the advancement of our species.

Sounds easy enough, right? Clearly, it’s not. To parent well you’ve got to set high moral standards early on, and then stick to these core universals in order to mold the impressionable mindset of a developing human in such a way that they end up being productive members of society. That’s the contract you make with every other human on the planet when you decide to have children. Don’t raise selfish pricks and then release them into the world. You do that, you fail us all.

It seems like not enough people are parenting well in America. Steubenville is a perfect example. Granted, I couldn’t stomach reading the details of this story, but the idea that a drunk girl was publicly humiliated and raped while bystanders looked on and video’d the ordeal is tough to comprehend. And while it’s easy to point fingers at the girl for getting drunk, or the boys for treating her like a sex toy, or the bystanders for doing nothing – the root of the problem is that the parents of these children did not do their jobs well.

What the hell as happened in America?

Look, I am not one of those people who longs for the glory of the good old days–because frankly the good old days weren’t always good. In fact, it sucked to be a kid growing up when I did. We had to say yes ma’am and no sir and please and may I and thank you. We had to call adults Mr. and Mrs. Last Name Only. We didn’t speak until we were spoken to. And if we didn’t do these things, we were punished in ways that ensured we didn’t make the same mistakes twice. Most of the kids I knew had these same rules. There was order in it–but it was very restricting and not exactly the best place for a curious boy who had a lot of questions. It wasn’t fun. And while I realize that kids will be kids, and that trouble will follow some people around their whole lives – stories like Steubenville don’t happen when enough people parent better.

My kids don’t say yes sir and no ma’am. They speak whenever they damn well please, for the most part. And although they are polite and say please and thank you most of the time (at least when I am around), they’re nothing like the robots we were as kids. Maybe we’re doing it wrong, but despite our shortcomings, me and my wife try hard to instill the idea of respect in our daughters. We’ve tried to help them understand how to make the best decisions – even small ones. Especially small ones. Because as everyone knows, the little problems add up to the big problems. Solve the little problems, and you head off the big ones.

When you raise children who act disrespectfully to others, you fail as a parent and as a member of society. Unfortunately, I don’t have a list of 10 ways for bad parents to become good ones. I have but one recommendation – care more. Care like no one is watching. Care like the world depends on it. Care like your teenage daughter might end up being sodomized on video while she’s drunk. Teach your kids the difference between right and wrong. Good and bad. Truth and deceit. Do whatever it takes to parent better. Because indifference is poison. And when you release humans who have no moral code into society – it’s squarely your fault.

In The Republic, Plato suggests that not everyone is cut out to be a parent and that there should be people in society whose job it is to raise all of the children. That way they’re all raised equally well. Unfortunately, America is no closer to being a functional Republic than Plato is to resurrection. So in lieu of our not having a system in place to give every child the best opportunity to be a functioning member of society, I implore you to just parent better. Care more. That is all.



Jim Mitchem – an average parent who cares

Done With Shaking Hands

Jim Mitchem

Writer. Father to daughters. Husband. Ad man. Raised by wolves. @jmitchem on twitter. First novel, Minor King, out now.