One thing I’ve always loved about Twitter is that it forces brevity. Not unlike writing advertising. Be quick or be dead, and all that. Last December I published a post of some of my most favorite ‘favorited’ tweets from 2012, and though i’d try it again this year. So without further delay, here is chronological proof that I follow some pretty clever bastards. Many of whom are fellow copywriters. Thanks for keeping it interesting, y’all.
Passive Voice, you are hated by me.
— sara buschkamp (@buschkamps) January 5, 2012
Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught.I have a two-year-old son.You know what he hates?Naps!End of list.~Dennis Leary #HappyMLKDay
— Lou Brutus (@LouBrutus) January 16, 2012
Cracker Barrel founder dies on MLK day. Somewhere, the founder of Chik-Fil-A is getting out his calendar and nervously circling Pride Week.
— Glen Weldon (@ghweldon) January 16, 2012
I judge my uniqueness mostly by Google Autocomplete’s inability to guess what I’m searching.
— terryl banta (@terrylbanta) January 17, 2012
So Millennials aren’t thousand-year-old people?
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) February 7, 2012
If you hold an ashtray up to your ear, you can hear Las Vegas.
— Kyle van Blerk (@kylevanblerk) February 9, 2012
When writing copy, start with the one message you absolutely have to get across. Then stop.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) February 24, 2012
Easy there Mapplethorpe, what makes you so sure your Instagram deserves that #shotoftheday hashtag?
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) March 13, 2012
Advertisers, why not be original and use Katrina and the Waves’ Walking On Sunshine in your adverts? No one’s ever done that before.
— Adam Fairclough (@AdamFairclough) March 18, 2012
The only thing worth being proud of is hustling. Not natural talent. Education. Genes. Nope. Just working hard.
— Marketing Douchebag (@mktgdouchebag) March 21, 2012
There’s a giant possum in my backyard. A dead rat next to my trashcan. Both dogs puked. I’m one problem away from writing a country song.
— Kristin Kelly (@heyKK) March 28, 2012
If you don’t pay for the product, you ARE the product.
— Gigantic (@bernardurban) April 10, 2012
Creativity can be learned, just like interplanetary teleportation.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) April 11, 2012
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
— CJ (@CJPepperGirl) April 13, 2012
You know you’re a writer when you have to dress up to go to the dentist.
— Flashpoint_TV (@Flashpoint_TV) April 13, 2012
The justification we now use for being human–passion, creativity, knowledge, emotion–is that it helps us “sell”. Something’s wrong.
— umair haque (@umairh) April 20, 2012
Meanwhile over on LinkedIn, a man wearing a blue shirt is using Excel.
— Doctor & Space Taco (@benmarvin) April 25, 2012
Greek yogurt isn’t that bad if you add a little fruit and honey to it, then throw it away and eat bacon instead.
— Señor Winces (@senorwinces) May 1, 2012
100 jumping jacks = 96 #Nike fuel points.Where did the other 4 points go?Overhead?Fuel tax? :/
— Kat Kim (@skirrrtalert) May 6, 2012
Why do people keep making videos holding up cards with words written on them? It’s like walking on a treadmill in a moving car.
— Leslie Shaffer (@artleslie) May 10, 2012
Back at public pool, where the emotional scars are hidden but the physical ones manifest as mullets, muffin tops & tragic tattoos.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) May 26, 2012
Not a joiner.
— John January (@americopywriter) June 1, 2012
Lost amidst endless strip-mall sprawl. New suburbs are where urban planners go to drunkenly give up.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) June 2, 2012
I’m kind of honored that I was a spammer’s first tweet.
— Joshua Mauldin (@joshuamauldin) June 4, 2012
Suffocate them with kindness.
— Tim Rebich (@nakedmedium) June 18, 2012
Telling us you’re trimming your followers is about as interesting as our grandparents telling us they dusted the house.
— Marketing Douchebag (@mktgdouchebag) June 20, 2012
If Weed was ever legalized, I can’t wait to see the commercials…
— Alan Garner (@AlanHungover) June 25, 2012
Mitt Romney is meeting with the NAACP tomorrow. I bet he’s watching Tyler Perry movies right now.
— Jonathan Morris (@JonathanDFW) July 11, 2012
4:52am. The best possible time to repaint residential street markings with a 1000 horsepower spraygun, it would seem.
— Vaughn Davis (@vaughndavis) July 17, 2012
About to pick up my daughter from her Mormon bday sleepover party. Can’t wait to meet her new husband!
— Britton Taylor (@brittontaylor) July 21, 2012
Calling Obama a socialist is an insult to socialism.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) July 23, 2012
You know what kind of human interest story I like during the Olympics? The one that tells me if the athlete wins the fucking medal or not.
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) July 31, 2012
Ricky Romero pitches like he’s covered in pinchy lobsters who are upset at being coated in ghost pepper juice.
— Ryan Farkas (@ryanfarkas) July 31, 2012
According to Chick-Fil-A, traditional marriage should only be between an obese woman and a diabetic man.
— GS Elevator Gossip (@GSElevator) August 1, 2012
I can’t take movies seriously if the main characters aren’t stopping to Instagram their meals and Tweet out the chase scenes.
— Chris Sacca (@sacca) August 2, 2012
I bet NASA is dismayed by Curiosity’s choice of Instagram filter.
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) August 8, 2012
Try to remember that everyone you love & cherish will die, rot & disappear forever.
— Edgar Allan Poe (@Edgar_Allan_Poe) August 10, 2012
The number of “followers” you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
— Ted (@ImRealTed) August 11, 2012
I’m gonna make a movie called “Crash” about a drummer who has to hit a crash cymbal every 3 seconds… OR HE DIES! Starring Alex Van Halen.
— Dylan Beattie (@dylanbeattie) August 20, 2012
I’m going to be a great step-mom one day and teach all my step-children to sing and outsmart Nazis.
— Amanda J. Pittman (@amandarants) September 3, 2012
People who retweet gurus who tweet quotes.
— Chris Walbert (@cwalbert) September 4, 2012
Obama’s going to win this in a landslide. Can we stop the nonsense and give the money to charity instead please? #dnc
— kai macmahon (@kaimac) September 7, 2012
“What’s today, child?” “Why, it’s Romney Told ½ Of America To Eat A Dick Day, m’lord!” “FETCH THE BIGGEST GOOSE AT THE MARKET”
— Josh A. Cagan (@joshacagan) September 18, 2012
I’m out of mustard. (Worst tweet ever)
— Irish Boy (@IrishBoyNine) September 21, 2012
Congrats to @jmitchem, who’s blog has been blocked by my corp firewall as category: “Traditonal Religions”. That’s some sort of achievement.
— Clay Fowler (@clayrelwof) October 2, 2012
Actually a more realistic married sext would be “I washed the dishes and changed the lightbulb in the bathroom.”
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBadass) October 8, 2012
Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) October 9, 2012
BFF 4-EVA is the new ATM Machine.
— Thea Lux (@thealux) October 24, 2012
Hurricane Sandy sounds like the nickname a sales rep would give herself at her first out-of-town conference.
— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) October 26, 2012
Everything outside smells like weed. #GoSFGiants
— Kristin Kelly (@heyKK) October 29, 2012
Can I just say that Chris Christie running to suck at the teat of the federal government because *his* state is ravaged, grosses me out.
— Dawn Summers (@realdawnsummers) November 5, 2012
I think someone just tried to insult me by calling me a “liberal”, but all I heard was, “You use facts & logic in your decision-making!”
— Ashley Ford (@iSmashFizzle) November 8, 2012
Mike Judge would be guaranteed an Emmy for a Beavis & Butthead episode that took place entirely in the nut butter section of Whole Foods.
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) November 18, 2012
That moment you freak out in a “stalled” elevator because you forgot to push a button.
— John Kochmanski (@JohnKochmanski) December 4, 2012
It hurts my feelings when I pet the cat and he licks himself clean where I touched him.
— Angela Natividad (@luckthelady) December 6, 2012
If you’re ever on a game show and you’re asked what the worst movie in the history of man is, the answer is Vampire Dog. Trust me.
— Craig Utt (@axismg) December 15, 2012
This year for Christmas all I want is the Earth, Wind & Fire horn section, so they can punctuate my points in presentations.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) December 18, 2012
“If you use a catheter, I’ve got some great news for you!” Fox’s demographic.
— Amanda J. Pittman (@amandarants) December 21, 2012
When I write I want every word to leave a welt on the reader.
— Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) August 25, 2012
1 CommentLEAVE A COMMENT
Jan 3, 2013
These are AWESOME, Jim! Very, very funny!