It’s hard to believe that I’ve lived to see the darkest days of this great country. From our struggling economy to our being pushed around by little dictators and cowardly thugs, the signs of collapse are everywhere. In California they’ve even got it on their ballot to legalize marijuana. Which means you could fly to California, walk into a 7-11 and buy a pack of pot. Oh, and then you could go outside and smoke it while walking down the street. The mere vision of this boggles my mind, as it should yours. And if this weren’t enough, there is a strong push by homosexuals across the country to legalize gay marriage. A nation full of soft-brained potheads is one thing. The prospect of this same nation full of married gay people is where the line in the sand must be drawn.
I wasn’t happy when they took God out of our schools, but somehow we let that pass. We cannot, however, afford to let the unnatural act of homosexual marriage take root here. Furthermore, I don’t understand it. Why would two men or two women feel the need to be wed in holy matrimony when it goes against everything God stands for? I’m not making up the rules – the bible clearly states that a marriage is between a man and a woman. And I’m pretty sure those rules are non-negotiable. Therefore, to be gay and want to be married is anti-God. And anti-God is evil. It’s that simple.
It’s time to wake up, America. It is our responsibility to put our foot on the throat of evil and clean this country up. That’s why I propose that we outlaw homosexuality altogether. By making it illegal to be homosexual, we force them all out into the open to the benefit of us all. Since the gays have deemed October as National Coming Out month, we could use this to our advantage. In identifying and controlling homosexuals, we reestablish the Godly principles for which this great country was founded, while also reinforcing our economic infrastructure and ensuring that future generations of Americans aren’t directly influenced by this plague.
Let’s consider some basic facts:
Fact: According to Gallup, it is estimated that between 10 and 20 percent of all Americans are gay. Shockingly, that means with 300 million people, the number of homosexuals in this country is roughly 45 million. Or more than the populations of Australia, Sweden and Greece combined.
Fact: Most gay people are well-educated. Given this, there are certainly some positive uses for homosexuals. Uses that extend beyond the poorly conceived mass mobilization efforts of the past, and that can positively impact the rest of our great nation.
Fact: Since 1988, the United States has shut down hundreds of military bases. Massive complexes brimming with infrastructure. Thanks to Republican foresight, most of these closed bases are still serviceable in terms of their communal capacities. I propose we build on the existing infrastructures of these bases to create something like a closed community exclusively for homosexuals – and then reestablish these bases as thriving economic centers.
Fact: The media is chock full of stories about violence against homosexuals. Our proposed communities would protect homosexuals from the outside world – so that they can continue living peacefully amongst their own kind. No one is allowed in, and no gays are allowed out.
Fact: We simply cannot allow homosexuals to marry. Doing so would expedite the demise of this great country.
The point of this proposal isn’t to punish homosexuals. That’s why the closed communities would include every basic civic service that normal America receives. The idea is to provide these people with an environment that is safe enough for quality productivity. From energy to agriculture and from medicine to design, these communities will be run exclusively by its citizens and closely supervised by government employees. Eventually we could even create on-site learning centers for regular Americans to observe homosexual behavior so that we may learn more about it going forward. And going forward, thanks to this proposal, there will be no homosexuals running amok in America.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, and giving some pleasure to the rich. Indeed, the economic impact alone, from repurposing decaying military bases, is worth the time and effort necessary to work out all of the details of this proposal – which contains the basic foundation necessary to return this nation to its rightful place on the planet as God’s chosen country where the principles of freedom and justice prevail. God bless America.
Jim MItchem via Jonathan Swift/@jmitchem