One of the great things about being an American is that we can all have guns. If you’re 21, and you’ve got a clean record, you can have one too. It’s your birthright, so you may as well take advantage of it. If you’re smart, you’ll own more than one. Because when you think about it, one gun might not be enough. Unless it’s a semi-automatic – which you’re welcome to own as well. So if you get a gun, get a semi-automatic just to be on the safe side. Here’s one you can buy online. 


Why do we need guns? To help protect ourselves from our government, of course. You might think it’s to hunt, or protect yourself from bad people, or to defend our great nation from invading armies – but the real reason we need guns in America is to make sure that no crazy generals get any ideas. Because if it were illegal to own guns in here, then, in theory, only the military would have them. And we can’t have that. Of course, there are no crazy regular people in America. 

So please, get a gun to help us protect ourselves from our government. Just don’t misinterpret this as anything like marching orders to shoot elected officials even though you might think that crosshairs on a map are literal symbols intended for you to target officials who don’t think like we do. If you do decide to use your firearms against these politicians, we will bury you without the honor of martyrdom and call you crazy. And everyone will believe us.


Jim Mitchem is a certified marksman (.38 and M16)

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Jim Mitchem

Writer. Father to daughters. Husband. Ad man. Raised by wolves. @jmitchem on twitter. First novel, Minor King, out now.