The Year in Tweets 2014

A few years ago I started compiling the best tweets I saw during the year into blog posts. Here’s this year’s version. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

just chased a cup of coffee with a red bull and saw the future for 30 seconds.

— Troy McCall (@interzonejunkie) January 6, 2014

To everyone saying “just put on more clothing” about the cold, next 90° high humidity day I’ll say “just sit on the porch and sip sweet tea” — James Willamor (@JamesWillamor) January 9, 2014

Love you. RT @mannersNJ: Screw you. — Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) January 27, 2014

RT @ReformedBroker: “Apple can’t innovate.” Motherf***er you’re watching a movie on a 4 ounce plate of glass.
— Keith Stoeckeler (@KeithStoeckeler) January 28, 2014

Every OCD person watching the Lombardi trophy right now just wants the chance to wipe it of fingerprints. #SuperBowl — shauna (@goldengateblond) February 3, 2014

What someone ‘thinks’ of you, is none of your business.
— Jeff Sutthoff (@sutthoffdesign) February 5, 2014

No extension of unemployment benefits; conservative millionaire reps expect cake sales to skyrocket. — Stephen King (@StephenKing) February 7, 2014

‘I’m tweeting that!’ is the new ‘I’m telling mom!’
— Rob (@TheWordsmith) February 15, 2014

Broke French press carafe, stove now looks like I’m cooking meth not coffee. Desperation breeds innovation. — Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) February 16, 2014

When I hear @IronMaiden on @SIRIUSXM, I think of @jmitchem. Also, I drive fast(er).
— Rob (@TheWordsmith) February 27, 2014

This goddamn coffee shop needs to understand that my creative inspiration is not bound by their hours of operation. — Todd VanDerWerff (@tvoti) March 12, 2014

@jmitchem That just gave me an image of Charlotte’s Web, but with “FUCK YOU” instead of “TERRIFIC.”
— Jenny Nicholson (@missjenny) March 13, 2014

The childhood poverty rate in the United States of America is at 21.8 percent. — Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders) March 13, 2014

Just saw a BMW commercial that was complete fantasy. It showed a BMW driver using their turn signal.
— Vincent Ammirato (@VincentAmmirato) March 15, 2014

OK. But next time we host the Olympics, we’re annexing Quebec.
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) March 19, 2014

So weird. Today I found myself behind the wheel of a large automobile. David Byrne totally warned me that might happen and I didn’t listen.
— James Wester (@jameswester) March 28, 2014

I haven’t worked for an ad agency in 7 years. Which equals 91 copywriter years.
— Gino Bona (@GinoBona) April 15, 2014

It’s impossible to develop a brand’s point of view when you insist on incorporating everyone’s point of view.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) April 17, 2014

I stopped drinking, started wearing earplugs to concerts, and will have a 2nd daughter. It’s like I’m subconsciously imitating @jmitchem
— James Willamor (@JamesWillamor) April 23, 2014

Never take on a client that has to be convinced of your value.
— Molly Cantrell-Kraig (@mckra1g) April 24, 2014

Genuine people have problems finding reciprocity.
— Salaam Bey® (@Marrakechmole) April 26, 2014

Imagine if you had to view an ad before you could send an email. Or answer your phone. Or take a shower. Or get out of bed.
— Justin Kownacki (@JustinKownacki) April 29, 2014

Not only does the world not owe you anything, you’re not even entitled to a good life. Only the pursuit of one.
— Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) May 2, 2014

When I was a child everybody smiled
— Sailor Brinkley Cook (@SBrinkleyCook) May 8, 2014

I’m sorry. I’m not surprised at all. => Average Americans Think They’re Smarter Than the Average American http://t.co/JmaIh7eB4L
— Chris Dorsey (@CTJDorsey) May 14, 2014

just tried to pause live t.v.
— Edward Sizzurphands (@strawberrycough) May 16, 2014

Shout out to the dude making a sales call while taking a leak in a full capacity restroom. ALWAYS BE CLOSING.
— Gino Bona (@GinoBona) May 20, 2014

How much longer you figure I can make a living centering a headline and sticking a button under it?
— Nick Jones (@narrowd) May 21, 2014

“Let me drive real quick.” —any IT Guy ever, talking to someone about getting on their computer
— Josh Cleveland (@JoshuaGregg) May 29, 2014

What if everyone you know is the devil – offering diversions cloaked as love? And you don’t discover the truth until a moment before death?
— Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) May 29, 2014

“Life is pure adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art.” ― Maya Angelou
— Raggamuffin Tours (@raggamuffintour) June 1, 2014

make up your mind, buddy pic.twitter.com/vYeqyROkre
— Classic Charles (@Ugarles) June 4, 2014

Well played, CIA. Well. Played. RT @CIA: We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.
— Spike Jones (@spikejones) June 6, 2014

Why is the sun depicted wearing sunglasses? WHY THE FUCK would THE SUN, need to wear sunglasses?!
— Brÿ äñ (@HatterGunn) June 7, 2014

Your idea sounded so much better when your boss said it five minutes later like it was his idea
— bitter ad guy (@bitteradguy) June 9, 2014

I feel like someone owes this mop an explanation pic.twitter.com/sU4kRBc9lA
— livi (@_snozzberry_) June 27, 2014

“#Writing is an act of #faith, not a trick of grammar.” – EB White. #quote
— Mill City Press (@MillCityPress) June 30, 2014

To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber, simply ask him or her to pronounce “unionized.”
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) July 2, 2014

Klout Perks are the new “99 Hours of Free AOL” discs.
— eammon (@eammon) July 2, 2014

The real excitement comes later when the German team gets to peel the foil off the trophy to reveal delicious pure milk chocolate. #GER
— Pretty Annoyed (@prettyannoyed) July 13, 2014

BREAKING: “Client Had Some Really Good Changes to Creative,” According to Account Team Upon Returning From Meeting.
— Adweak (@adweak) July 21, 2014

My car’s remote starter didn’t work, so I had to use the key. I might as well be Amish.
— WhitePeoplesProblems (@WhiteFolkProbs) July 25, 2014

@leapyearcutie You follow @jmitchem right? He’s like the Belize Chamber of Commerce
— BrianDFrancis (@briandfrancis) July 30, 2014

Shortest distance from good citizen to public nuisance: Pearl Jam’s Even Flow comes on the car radio.
— Mikel Ellcessor (@mikelellcessor) August 8, 2014

If you work on the 2nd floor of a building and you come anywhere near the elevator, I hate you.
— Katy Kelley (@katykelley) August 25, 2014

If a baseball player can hit a 95mph fastball in front of 50k cheering fans, then why do tennis players need total silence when serving? #fb
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) August 29, 2014

When a guy wearing tank top w/a bald eagle (un-ironically) stops you to ask where you got your shorts, it’s time for a wardrobe change.
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) September 1, 2014

I’m not impressed when people brag about how they haven’t vacationed in X years. I don’t care how successful you are…that’s sad.
— Jon Thomas (@Its_JonT) September 3, 2014

Showing up is a big part of the modern day work battle. I have seen a lot of people succeed this way.
— David Burn (@davidburn) September 3, 2014

It’s hard to believe your agency is “all about the work” when the account team outnumbers creatives four to one.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) September 11, 2014

Neighbor in a new BMW slow-rolling through getting finger guns and fist pumps from the other Stepford Bros and holy shit I need to move.
— Todd Jones (@ElwoodJBlues) September 12, 2014

Wearable tech is the acid trip of marketing. We think we’re visionary, but in reality we’re drooling on ourselves and sounding like idiots.
— Bob Knorpp (@BobKnorpp) September 12, 2014

I like to walk around corners with my fists out because you just never know.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) September 18, 2014

The answer isn’t on twitter.
— Chad (@chadschomber) October 2, 2014

Sometimes the best collaborators are the voices in your own head.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) October 2, 2014

How did Twitter go from being like texting with a bunch of friends at once to being like one giant unmoderated comments section? Discuss.
— Sarah Jaffe (@sarahljaffe) October 8, 2014

Uber but for piggyback rides.
— Jen Myers (@antiheroine) October 8, 2014

Boys discovered a box of my old Stars Wars toys in the attic. Cal asked if Chewbacca is bad. I’VE FAILED AS A FATHER YOU GUYS.
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) October 13, 2014

I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
— David B. Schlosser (@dbschlosser) October 20, 2014

If I had a nickel for every time I was asked if I have OCD I’d have about 27 coins all neatly arranged by date.
— Ben Kenney (@vatoben) October 25, 2014

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” ~ Edgar Allan Poe #quote
— Sara Duane-Gladden (@SaraDuane) October 30, 2014

If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they’re someone new entirely. You don’t have to say hi
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 3, 2014

Gas under $3, unemployment under 6%, market up & to the right. Screw that. Time to change direction.
— John Lilly (@johnolilly) November 5, 2014

Why would I make Monday worse by making it meatless?
— Jason Fox (@jason_fox) November 10, 2014

I dare you to read this and not cry. RT @jmitchem: A Dog and Her Human http://t.co/D5gAM3k7Lo
— Jason Fox (@jason_fox) November 12, 2014

Fox: “Why did America waste money landing on a comet?” Scientist: “This is a European mission.” Fox: “Why didn’t America get there first?”
— JRehling (@JRehling) November 12, 2014

Nicholas Sparks, E.L. James & Stephenie Meyer walk into a library & it spits them out because it has better taste than the American public.
— ShauNutcracker (@goldengateblond) November 15, 2014

The guy servicing my furnace cut himself and bled on my counter which, for a germaphobe like me, means I now have to burn down my house.
— Pretty Annoyed (@prettyannoyed) November 16, 2014

With that name, this woman was born to work in this job at Harris Teeter. #marketing (via @memepix) pic.twitter.com/kQqcuWhSSw
— J.W. Cannon (@cannonjw) November 22, 2014

Just ordered @jmitchem‘s novel Minor King. Come on, join me. He’s brilliant, let’s show him some love. http://t.co/1k4ZdfChJ3
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) November 30, 2014

Local meat market is selling an “Individual Christmas Dinner Platter” – life is hard.
— eammon (@eammon) December 16, 2014

I frequently misread ‘money’ as ‘monkey,’ which is probably how I ended up in marketing instead of finance.
— Joe Mecca (@jfmecca) December 16, 2014

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Jim Mitchem