This is a post about those people. You know who they are. They're the people in Social Media who pretend to be your friend, but who really aren't. Rather, they hang around long enough to suck the sincerity out of you to feed their own desire to harbor spite and resentment.
Sure, it could be said that because so many of us don't know each other IRL, that none of us are 'really' friends. And maybe that's what's wrong. You see, I believe that over the past year I've actually gotten to know people here. Despite it being just words and pictures and pixels and fairy dust. Just.
I've met people, talked to people on the phone and have shared my life with people here who I may never meet in person. And for the most part, the people I pay attention to here are genuine, compassionate and good. No, I don't go looking to follow or engage people who fit into neat buckets. Nor do I look to follow people who can only benefit me commercially. I look for one thing – sincerity. To me, this equals humanity. By engaging here in Social Media, I feel like I've opened up my own life by sharing it with others. And it's good.
For the most part.
You see, there are snakes in this Garden of Eden too. And both you know and they know who they are. And it's uncomfortable. The people I'm talking about don't want to know that good things happen to you. They relish in seeing you fail, because that makes them feel better about themselves. It's a self esteem thing, but it's also pretty normal. Take any 100 people on the planet, put them in a room and see if they get along together. Right. Then throw a little competition into the mix, like we do when we follow or surround ourselves with like minded people here, and you've got Survivor via Social Media. Turn 100 into 2000, and the insincerity quotient increases proportionately.
It's a fact – people aren't always going to like you. Even when they follow you. Some only follow for political reasons (because it would be socially awkward not to.) Other people only follow you because you're just a number and it's not a 'real' relationship anyway. And still others only follow you to (gasp!) steal your ideas. So what do you do? Unfollow them? Block them? Accept that things aren't going to be perfect? What?
Jim is a father, husband, copywriter and founder of smashcommunications. You can find him on Twitter @smashadv
Dennis Bernhard
Oct 16, 2009
I’m not all that worried about people stealing my ideas on Twitter. For one I don’t “talk” all that much on Twitter. The bigger reason though is stealing an idea isn’t like stealing a blue print. You can’t take step by step action to make an idea work. A stolen idea is just that, an idea. And usually, the person who thought it up originally can do a lot more with it than the person who stole it.
Matt Earley
Oct 16, 2009
Ironic that you posted this today, as I was pondering a similar subject earlier this morning. There have been very rare times that I have shared via Twitter regarding subjects outside of marketing & advertising, general business or inspirational content, or notes about travel. Occasionally, yet rarely, I’ve posted about religion and politics, and sometimes lost followers for it. This has frustrated me, as I have to then conclude that my posts did not fall into the pocket of opinions that my former followers agreed with, and therefore are to be ignored henceforth. I have yet to unfollow someone because they disagree with me and they post things in conflict with my views and opinions. I wish others would do the same. Twitter is not about only reading things which concur with one’s own views. That is not an accurate reflection of the world.
Jim Mitchem
Oct 16, 2009
oh I totally agree with you Matt. I follow a diverse range of people. no way would I unfollow someone b/c they don’t agree w/me on something. But this is different. This is about those people who pop in sometimes and say things sideways, or don’t say anything when they probably should. and this isn’t to say that everyone has to be friendly all the time either. Most of the people i follow are creative types who see things a bit more cynical than most people. But there are people out there who you just have a hard time trusting.
Jim Mitchem
Oct 16, 2009
It happens. You’re right about it being more valuable to the person who conjured something, but it still happens.
Matt Earley
Oct 16, 2009
Ah, yes. I suppose I haven’t encountered this as much as you have, so I see why it has been a frustration to you more so than me. That’s difficult, man.
Becca Bernstein
Oct 16, 2009
Wow. Who spit in your Gazpacho? Actually, I think the great thing about Twitter is that we can all share our ideas. I don’t agree w/ stealing and I always give credit where credit is due. But being in the creative profession, I’ve become accustomed to thievery. And on good days, I chalk it up to the old quote: “Copying is the highest form of flattery.” On bad days, I call my friends and bitch like there’s no tomorrow.
As for being unfollowed b/c of my preferences. This happened recently when I retweeted a Sara Silverman quote. Instantly I lost 4 followers. And the thing is, I didn’t really care. I don’t require my friends to have the same sense of humor but I do require them to accept mine.
Jim, as always, I enjoy being your friend and colleague b/c you make me think. And you push boundaries so far, sometimes they need a passport. I like that.
@beccabernstein
Jim Mitchem
Oct 16, 2009
Ok, I won’t block you Becca. 😉
EC (Lisa) Stewart
Oct 16, 2009
Interesting post, Jim. As a creative, I follow a diverse range of folk so that I can learn. I’ve also discovered that some of them don’t hold the same lenience for me as they do for themselves.
@ecstewart
Melissa
Oct 16, 2009
Luckily I haven’t encountered this issue – possibly because I don’t talk about work nearly enough on Twitter … and the reasons you mentioned in your post are part of why I limit what I say about what I’m working on.
Whoever stole your stuff sucks. Like Becca said, it’s flattery. But it’s still “not fair.”
Nichole Brown
Oct 16, 2009
You make great points, as always. I’m with person (Becca?) who said you make her think. You already know I think your 140s are golden. And if someone is coopting them, well they must think so, too. Jim, I appreciate the connection we’ve made via Twitter and the inside view of your life and family. As do most of your followers and FB friends. So ignore the jerks and unpleasant types. There are fewer of them than us!
Here’s a funny story (and my point of view): In a conversation with a coworker I described someone (from Twitter) as a good friend. I was saying how nice she is, how she likes to travel, she’s funny. Yada yada. And before I could stop myself I said, she’s like my Twitter bestie. Doh. Silly I know. But that’s how I genuinely feel about some of the people I engage with online.
Jim Mitchem
Oct 17, 2009
Diversity is good. Until it’s bad. I can’t imagine not keeping a stable of different types of people in my stream – how boring would that be? To me it comes down to sincerity. I can take people who disagree – that’s not a problem. But people who harbor ill will- that’s a problem.
Jim Mitchem
Oct 17, 2009
Everyone seems to be focussing on the ‘stealing’ thing but to me that’s only happened once (that I know of) here in SM.
However, it’s happened a LOT over my career with other ‘creatives’ I’ve worked with, and by one big brand when I contacted them from college with an idea responded (via letter) with “We’re sorry Mr. Mitchem – we are contracted with an advertising agency and so we can’t use your idea. Even though it’s quite good.” – only to find a month later they had the idea on their website splash page. That was pretty devastating. But also somehow helped reassure me that I had what it takes to make it in this business.
Jim Mitchem
Oct 17, 2009
We met here a long time ago didn’t we Nichole? You’re one of those people who can’t fake sincerity and that’s why I love our relationship here.
I think insincerity is a dark art. I don’t care what the naysayers say (?) – the relationships we develop here are as real as we want them to be. Some people are just fucking snakes. They put on a facade for their own personal gain, and then turn their backs. I’ve never been cool with this in real life, and am not cool with it now. This is not to say I’m right and they’re wrong – I’m wrong about a lot and could be about this too. This may be why I’m likely never to become a great business person. I care too much about the people I encounter.
Kimberly Murray
Oct 17, 2009
Aristotle said “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it”.
I have often said “The mind does not need to be a sponge, but neither should it be a brick wall”. I don’t want to absorb everything I read, nor will I automatically dismiss a thought just because I don’t immediately understand or agree with it.
Jeanne Veillette Bowerman
Oct 17, 2009
I have a philosophy in life that is rather cynical, but it works for me: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I do it in real life, and I do it in Twitter. Some don’t understand why I don’t block people who are evil, but as long as I know that is their personality, I’m fine with it. I don’t have to like them or even respect their viewpoints. I just want to always have an eye on them. I’m Sicilian, after all.
Like you, Jim, I crave sincere, real people. A twitter friend sent me your blog link for the sole reason she knew I would admire your honesty. I am grateful to her for that. While I have never met her IRL, I consider her a dear, loyal friend. As a matter of fact, I have unfollowed only one person on Twitter. It was a tweeter who deeply betrayed the above mentioned friend. Oh, I kept following him for a while, but the day I finally said, “enough” and unfollowed, I felt liberated. He’s a snake, back-stabbing person on Twitter and in real life. People can only keep up a facade for so long before their real souls seep through their avatar.
I am happy to say, I have met wonderful people on Twitter who I consider real friends. I’ve only met 2 in person. Some I want to meet someday, others I wonder if meeting would ruin the friendship. Odd to say, but I think it might. There’s a little bit of anonymity in this, even though my real name is out there. There’s a safety in anonymity… maybe that’s why some people feel safe enough to steal. Sad.
Danisidhe
Oct 17, 2009
You are right that the insincerity quotient rises proportionately but so, too, does the sincerity quotient. Meeting people in real life and in limited numbers doesn’t guarantee sincerity – I’m sure we’ve all had the experiences you describe in the real world as much as online. With the focus on competition and individualism in our world it seems it is difficult to find people who will genuinely be able to enjoy someone else’s success purely because it makes that person happy, however you meet. Those of us who display genuine interest in other human beings are often put down for it, “Polyanna”, or suspected of insincerity ourselves, “too nice”, but such reactions help us to know who to watch out for.
Of course, it is easier for a snake to hide in the grass for longer online but it’s also easier to gently move your focus from them, or block them if need be, once you do discover them. I see no moral high ground in choosing who you wish to deal with online – if you’d feel someone’s behaviour would be disrespectful, or even just undermining, in real life, why put up with it online?
Jim Mitchem
Oct 19, 2009
I like that kind of thinking. I think that’s why I don’t unfollow/block people I disagree with. Sometimes these people help me with my own self-esteem, actually. 😉
Jim Mitchem
Oct 19, 2009
I know what you mean about anonymity. I have a freaking orange in front of my face, and use an iteration of my company name as my twitter handle. But beyond that, I only know how to be me here. In my normal work, I write for other people constantly – so in Social Media I’m pretty open. But for the avatar and name. It’s just that this tactic has established too much credibility to change. Maybe i’m just a hypocrite? 😉
Jim Mitchem
Oct 19, 2009
The positive relationships I’ve been part of here in SM far (and I mean far) outnumber the negative ones. Absolutely. And i’m thinking that it’s just one of those things that with the good come the bad. It’s just human nature. Some people need to harbor ill will toward others as a way to make themselves feel ‘above’ others. It’s totally an esteem thing. And while I don’t block/unfollow people who disagree with me, I don’t engage them much either. But no, I don’t continue relationships with people where zero good comes from it.
My novel – Minor King
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