In keeping with a tradition that goes back to 2011, here’s the year in Tweets as seen by me popping in and actually paying attention on Twitter. It was a weird year. More serious and less funny than previous years. And yes, my book came out in 2015 and I was pretty excited, so back off.
@jmitchem – Chapter Five of Minor King – freaking poetry, man. Just read it for the 6th time.
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) January 1, 2015
The great thing about being married with daughters instead of single is having to deal with three women ignoring me instead of all of them.
— Brian Thompson (@BrandWriter) January 4, 2015
The British are weird about adding hyphens to nouns, as if they fear one of the words will just float away if not tethered…
— mandik the halls (@rachelle_mandik) January 9, 2015
Hell hath no fury like a middle school girl who can’t find something to wear.
— James Mitchem (@jmitchem) January 13, 2015
— Brandy Mills (@BrandyMills_) January 13, 2015
Suits failing past wildly, Umbrellas threaten your eyes, London in the rain, Please desist. Fucking umbrellas.
— Charlie Southwell (@charliesaidthat) January 16, 2015
Oh. Screaming Hollow Rd in the dark. That doesn’t sound scary at all.
— Logan Stewart (@lbstewart) January 17, 2015
— David Oakley (@oakleydavid) January 25, 2015
Apparently you are not a real vegan unless all you do is annoy people by posting about being vegan on social media ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
— Pretty Annoyed (@prettyannoyed) January 26, 2015
@jmitchem To a “13.1” sticker I say I can’t run a marathon either but you don’t see me advertising it.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) January 27, 2015
“Nice necklace, John Mayer.” To be said to John Mayer and any man wearing a necklace.
— Lady (@ladybroseph) February 3, 2015
Integrity is supposed to be your default setting.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) February 12, 2015
Real estate listings should include how many neighbors use leafblowers.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) February 21, 2015
“The idea of art as a living beast that can destroy the artist if trapped inside… that’s good shit right there!” – PM re: @MinorKingNovel
— James Mitchem (@jmitchem) February 27, 2015
You do not need a standing desk. You need a desk that teeters on the edge Of an open grave For the day when you stop working. #America
— Werner Twertzog (@WernerTwertzog) February 28, 2015
I’m not saying “Seinfeld” was all Larry David. The bass soloist added a lot too.
— IM DB (@dan_alphabet) March 5, 2015
Someone said to me today “you can find me on all the socials.” Is that a thing? Are we saying “the socials” now?
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) March 7, 2015
“WHOEVER TOLD BLACK PEOPLE ABOUT RUGBY IS FIRED” https://t.co/pz3s29g0Yc”
— David D. (@DavidDTSS) March 14, 2015
Just took a cold call. He was so surprised I took his call, he couldn’t get the pitch out.
— Ian Gordon (@iangordon) March 18, 2015
Current euphemisms for success are very violent – smashed it, killed it, crushed it. Why not Birthed it! Tickled it! ❤️?
— Faris (@faris) March 18, 2015
[sees overweight woman jogging] Wow, good for her. [sees thin woman jogging] Bitch.
— seasonal spice (@goldengateblond) March 21, 2015
Lovely swirly dry the washing day
— Vaughn Davis (@vaughndavis) March 22, 2015
Unexpectedly, most social media ninjas weigh over 400 pounds.
— Clayton Hove (@adtothebone) March 25, 2015
Saw a homeless person doing heroin on a stairwell up to a public bridge today. #SanFrancisco
— Faris (@faris) March 27, 2015
Well at least they’re honest pic.twitter.com/zGiqzQg3oi
— Skatronixxx (@Skatronixxx) March 31, 2015
George refuses to listen to his GF’s voicemails, gets dumped. “It’s 2015! Send a text! I don’t want to hear your voice if I don’t have to!”
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) March 31, 2015
“evil cat” is redundant and that’s actually ok
— Thirstin’ Howl III (@LusciousPear) April 2, 2015
Nick Jonas is a survivor
— Scott Lazer (@skitdaddle) April 2, 2015
Account person trying to art direct: “I’m not trying to art direct.” Nice try, but this isn’t my first rodeo.
— Nathan K Archambault (@NKArch) April 6, 2015
i feel like i’ve been reading the same news headlines for the past 10 yrs
— elle nash (@yourgirlelle_) April 14, 2015
I’ve got an elastic heart.
— Heather A McDonnell (@hamcdonnell) April 18, 2015
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
— seasonal spice (@goldengateblond) April 21, 2015
Writing is rewriting.
— jrmadsen (@jrmadsen) April 22, 2015
Try not to worry about things you can’t control, which is pretty much everything.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 24, 2015
‘The weekend’s not a bad time to get some work done.’ This thought is FATAL, do not allow yourself to have it
— Tom Albrighton (@tomcopy) April 25, 2015
@jmitchem I extend it to not trust anyone who self-identifies at all. Any application of talent is an ongoing process of refinement.
— G Valentino (@GValentino) April 27, 2015
— Sherry (@itybtyctykty) April 27, 2015
— Dan Goldgeier (@DanGoldgeier) April 28, 2015
With my son at doc office and two doctor clowns came in to blow bubbles and now kids are crying.
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) May 8, 2015
@jmitchem I finished Minor King last night. It was a gut punch for me. Tough ending. Great writing. Thank you for puting it out there.
— Matt Singley (@mattsingley) May 11, 2015
PEOPLE WILL POST ON THEIR FACEBOOK ABOUT HOW WELFARE RECIPIENTS ARE STEALING THEIR MONEY AND THEN GIVE THEIR MONEY TO FUCKING BILLIONAIRES
— josh (@JotsOne) May 12, 2015
BREAKING: PR Agency Assures Client They’re Going to “Reach Out to All the Influentials”
— ADWEAK (@adweak) May 18, 2015
I just shook the hand of the young man that is taking my oldest daughter out on her first date. She’s not little anymore. I have no words.
— Matt Singley (@mattsingley) May 23, 2015
“It’s a terrible thing being a writer.” – @jmitchem
— Brian Thompson (@BrandWriter) June 1, 2015
It should be against the law to serve Pepsi in the Atlanta airport. Also, there should be a Popeyes every 30 yards.
— Ken Wheaton (@kenwheaton) June 5, 2015
The seed of every great idea comes from the client. As far as they know.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) June 5, 2015
That’s capitalism MT @MichealSinclair: I’m not saying I believe in ghosts or demons, but I believe there are forces out there we can’t see.
— Dawn Summers (@realdawnsummers) June 5, 2015
@jmitchem Enjoyed Minor King. Actually put it down at one point b/c too many parallels to my life. Glad I picked it back up. great ending.
— Shawn Hartley (@shartley) June 7, 2015
This guy thinks it’s cool to kill defenceless animals then take a selfie. Jerk. pic.twitter.com/WbgMklrd9u
— Chris Tilly (@TillyTweets) June 9, 2015
Pittsburgh is the New York City of West Virginia.
— Gino Bona (@GinoBona) June 20, 2015
kids talk about nirvana like you used to about the doors
— Ryan Farkas (@ryanfarkas) June 21, 2015
Blaring 9 to 5 as I swerve to avoid a turtle crossing the road. METAPHORS.
— Jennifer Spencer (@jennalyns) June 26, 2015
— Pretty Annoyed (@prettyannoyed) June 29, 2015
This is how rainfall looks from an airplane. pic.twitter.com/9Vaivt6IXp
— High From Above (@HighFromAbove) July 3, 2015
I refuse to police the imagination of men or women in any form, including poetry, prose and film.
— Anne Rice (@AnneRiceAuthor) July 5, 2015
OH: I could never live in this city. It’s too dog friendly! Dogs are everywhere! It’s like they have more rights than humans. Me: ??Bu-bye!
— Kristin Kelly (@heyKK) July 11, 2015
Harper Lee’s third novel is about a heroic eldercare trustee who selflessly acts perfectly in accord with her client’s wishes.
— sigh hersh (@Ugarles) July 13, 2015
Sometimes Jim just pounds pretty words onto a page, but most of the time, he punches you right in the heart. <3 https://t.co/moUEFHFYjJ
— Jessica Frick (@renewabelle) July 14, 2015
Humility is balanced on the knife edge between insecurity and arrogance.
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) July 29, 2015
Twitter is too confusing now. Not sure why such a simple, beautiful thing had to change so much.
— Alaina Shearer (@alainashearer) July 30, 2015
First lines of Tuck Everlasting, Natalie Babbitt’s masterpiece. Forecast calls for blank white dawns, glaring noons. pic.twitter.com/qujoAqdwRb
— thomaslake (@thomaslake) July 31, 2015
It’s amazing how little I trust someone if they’re close with someone I can’t stand.
— mindy reznik belser. (@dupreeblue) August 18, 2015
OK – I don’t do matching outfits & shyt, but when you’re this age, it’s cute. pic.twitter.com/kBSmhlDzPC
— Ole’ Girl (@yld_thng) August 18, 2015
Hey marketing kids, don’t forget that “The World Has Changed” slide in your capabilities deck. It’ll help you stand out. #sarcasm
— Spike Jones (@spikejones) August 18, 2015
My first boss in advertising advised my to learn golf also. I said why can’t I just be really good at my job? Fuck that old white man bs
— Faris (@faris) August 25, 2015
Thought this dude was driving like an asshole, then I saw he was just reading a BOOK! Lol. As long as you’re not texting, my man.
— terryl banta (@terrylbanta) August 26, 2015
— Vinay Patel (@HeyVinay) August 28, 2015
Larger bobby pins should go by Robert.
— Ashlyn St. Ours (@ashlyn_stours) August 29, 2015
“Human history is the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” ~ #CSLewis
— C. S. Lewis (@CSLewisDaily) September 1, 2015
Please stop using the word “hack” inappropriately.
— Jason Fox (@jason_fox) September 8, 2015
There should be no second chance for sexual predators.
— Wayne (@Toaster_Pastry) September 10, 2015
Without perception, there is no reality.
— Raymond Pirouz (@raymondpirouz) September 12, 2015
— Jeremy Lin (@JLin7) September 12, 2015
In fact, everything about LinkedIn is an utter cesspool. A cacophony of Thought Leaders shouting into the void.
— Thirstin’ Howl III (@LusciousPear) September 14, 2015
When I meet people I know from the internet I am always reminded of how much easier it is to write than talk out loud
— elle nash (@yourgirlelle_) September 16, 2015
I bet Chris Christie has Chunky Beef Soup in his coffee mug. #CNNDebate
— Rob Schwartz (@Schwartzie14) September 17, 2015
— GabrielleLainePeters (@GabrielleNYC) September 19, 2015
The story is not what you wrote, it’s what you didn’t write but what the reader read anyway.
— Ksenia Anske (@kseniaanske) September 22, 2015
Like Gandalf holding off a horde of orcs. pic.twitter.com/UemrgW93B0
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) September 24, 2015
“Google search remains, in my view, the most potent thing.” – Sir Martin Sorrell, WPP #AWXII
— Jeff Greenhouse (@JeffGreenhouse) September 30, 2015
“GUNS ARENT THE PROBLEM MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE ARE” “OK, then federally funded, easily accessible mental healthcare, please!” “NO!”
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) October 1, 2015
These aren’t just shootings. That’s soft language. These are Mass Murders. Slaughters. Massacres. Bloodbaths. Language matters.
— Colby (@colbywg) October 2, 2015
“After the third shooting at a college today, we at the @NRA have no choice but to call for the end of college and, in fact, all education.”
— sigh hersh (@Ugarles) October 9, 2015
Dear Mgt., If you don’t know the difference between talking a good game and telling a great story, try hiring some writers who do. Love, LCB
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) October 12, 2015
Dear neighbor who yells “shut up” to my dogs when they bark at you, yeah that’s actually not going to work.
— James Mitchem (@jmitchem) October 15, 2015
A high percentage of ads are just generic howling into the void of a media plan. With a brand logo at the end.
— jon crowley (@joncrowley) October 17, 2015
Organic carrots should be called carrots and other carrots should be called chemical carrots.
— Nathan K Archambault (@NKArch) October 21, 2015
the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because 1. you’re calling them a clown 2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown
— ? (@vinnycrack) October 21, 2015
Looking at Halloween candy today is like walking back into a bar with a hangover.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) November 1, 2015
The next time someone claims we tune-out TV advertising, have them come to my house and listen to my kids sing “The Final Countdown.” #geico
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) November 2, 2015
We’re overdue for a new study and story about how drinking is beneficial for your health, in moderation of course.
— eammon (@eammon) November 5, 2015
“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.” – Unknown
— Social In Boston (@SocialInBoston) November 15, 2015
I want to be in advertising, but I can’t tell a story so I’m going to scream CONTENT and use buzzwords.
— Ken Wheaton (@kenwheaton) November 17, 2015
BREAKING: Agency Account Executive Agrees To Be “Director Of Digital Content Insights” For New Business Pitch
— ADWEAK (@adweak) December 1, 2015
Have you ever been to Walgreens and NOT heard a Wilson Phillips song?
— eammon (@eammon) December 2, 2015
How Russia resolves suicide attempts. pic.twitter.com/9mTUdx0DSD
— Sam Kalidi (@samkalidi) December 3, 2015
I like how tech guys write essays about leaving their jobs like they are quitting Led Zeppelin or something
— Dan Cassaro (@Dan_Cassaro) December 4, 2015
“Crimson Tide” is such a melodramatic mascot name. Just pick an animal like everyone else, you assholes.
— Taylor LeCroy (@taylorlecroy) December 5, 2015
Make it creative. Now make it creative and also show them what they want. Now just show them what they want. Now go drink.
— bitter ad guy (@bitteradguy) December 16, 2015
In the old days you had kids so they could work your farm. Today you have them so they can be built-in tech support.
— Lauren Levine (@lifewithlauren1) December 23, 2015