A few years ago I started compiling the best tweets I saw during the year into blog posts. Here’s this year’s version. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
just chased a cup of coffee with a red bull and saw the future for 30 seconds.
— Troy McCall (@interzonejunkie) January 6, 2014
To everyone saying “just put on more clothing” about the cold, next 90° high humidity day I’ll say “just sit on the porch and sip sweet tea” — James Willamor (@JamesWillamor) January 9, 2014
What someone ‘thinks’ of you, is none of your business.
— Jeff Sutthoff (@sutthoffdesign) February 5, 2014
No extension of unemployment benefits; conservative millionaire reps expect cake sales to skyrocket. — Stephen King (@StephenKing) February 7, 2014
‘I’m tweeting that!’ is the new ‘I’m telling mom!’
— Rob (@TheWordsmith) February 15, 2014
Broke French press carafe, stove now looks like I’m cooking meth not coffee. Desperation breeds innovation. — Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) February 16, 2014
This goddamn coffee shop needs to understand that my creative inspiration is not bound by their hours of operation. — Todd VanDerWerff (@tvoti) March 12, 2014
The childhood poverty rate in the United States of America is at 21.8 percent. — Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders) March 13, 2014
Just saw a BMW commercial that was complete fantasy. It showed a BMW driver using their turn signal.
— Vincent Ammirato (@VincentAmmirato) March 15, 2014
OK. But next time we host the Olympics, we’re annexing Quebec.
— Ben Kunz (@benkunz) March 19, 2014
So weird. Today I found myself behind the wheel of a large automobile. David Byrne totally warned me that might happen and I didn’t listen.
— James Wester (@jameswester) March 28, 2014
I haven’t worked for an ad agency in 7 years. Which equals 91 copywriter years.
— Gino Bona (@GinoBona) April 15, 2014
It’s impossible to develop a brand’s point of view when you insist on incorporating everyone’s point of view.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) April 17, 2014
Never take on a client that has to be convinced of your value.
— Molly Cantrell-Kraig (@mckra1g) April 24, 2014
Genuine people have problems finding reciprocity.
— Salaam Bey® (@Marrakechmole) April 26, 2014
Imagine if you had to view an ad before you could send an email. Or answer your phone. Or take a shower. Or get out of bed.
— Justin Kownacki (@JustinKownacki) April 29, 2014
Not only does the world not owe you anything, you’re not even entitled to a good life. Only the pursuit of one.
— Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) May 2, 2014
When I was a child everybody smiled
— Sailor Brinkley Cook (@SBrinkleyCook) May 8, 2014
just tried to pause live t.v.
— Edward Sizzurphands (@strawberrycough) May 16, 2014
Shout out to the dude making a sales call while taking a leak in a full capacity restroom. ALWAYS BE CLOSING.
— Gino Bona (@GinoBona) May 20, 2014
How much longer you figure I can make a living centering a headline and sticking a button under it?
— Nick Jones (@narrowd) May 21, 2014
“Let me drive real quick.” —any IT Guy ever, talking to someone about getting on their computer
— Josh Cleveland (@JoshuaGregg) May 29, 2014
What if everyone you know is the devil – offering diversions cloaked as love? And you don’t discover the truth until a moment before death?
— Jim Mitchem (@jmitchem) May 29, 2014
“Life is pure adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art.” ― Maya Angelou
— Raggamuffin Tours (@raggamuffintour) June 1, 2014
Why is the sun depicted wearing sunglasses? WHY THE FUCK would THE SUN, need to wear sunglasses?!
— Brÿ äñ (@HatterGunn) June 7, 2014
Your idea sounded so much better when your boss said it five minutes later like it was his idea
— bitter ad guy (@bitteradguy) June 9, 2014
To tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber, simply ask him or her to pronounce “unionized.”
— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) July 2, 2014
Klout Perks are the new “99 Hours of Free AOL” discs.
— eammon (@eammon) July 2, 2014
BREAKING: “Client Had Some Really Good Changes to Creative,” According to Account Team Upon Returning From Meeting.
— Adweak (@adweak) July 21, 2014
My car’s remote starter didn’t work, so I had to use the key. I might as well be Amish.
— WhitePeoplesProblems (@WhiteFolkProbs) July 25, 2014
Shortest distance from good citizen to public nuisance: Pearl Jam’s Even Flow comes on the car radio.
— Mikel Ellcessor (@mikelellcessor) August 8, 2014
If you work on the 2nd floor of a building and you come anywhere near the elevator, I hate you.
— Katy Kelley (@katykelley) August 25, 2014
When a guy wearing tank top w/a bald eagle (un-ironically) stops you to ask where you got your shorts, it’s time for a wardrobe change.
— Ian Sohn (@IanSohn) September 1, 2014
I’m not impressed when people brag about how they haven’t vacationed in X years. I don’t care how successful you are…that’s sad.
— Jon Thomas (@Its_JonT) September 3, 2014
Showing up is a big part of the modern day work battle. I have seen a lot of people succeed this way.
— David Burn (@davidburn) September 3, 2014
It’s hard to believe your agency is “all about the work” when the account team outnumbers creatives four to one.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) September 11, 2014
Neighbor in a new BMW slow-rolling through getting finger guns and fist pumps from the other Stepford Bros and holy shit I need to move.
— Todd Jones (@ElwoodJBlues) September 12, 2014
Wearable tech is the acid trip of marketing. We think we’re visionary, but in reality we’re drooling on ourselves and sounding like idiots.
— Bob Knorpp (@BobKnorpp) September 12, 2014
I like to walk around corners with my fists out because you just never know.
— Brent Anderson (@AndBrent) September 18, 2014
The answer isn’t on twitter.
— Chad (@chadschomber) October 2, 2014
Sometimes the best collaborators are the voices in your own head.
— Lee Clow’s Beard (@leeclowsbeard) October 2, 2014
How did Twitter go from being like texting with a bunch of friends at once to being like one giant unmoderated comments section? Discuss.
— Sarah Jaffe (@sarahljaffe) October 8, 2014
Uber but for piggyback rides.
— Jen Myers (@antiheroine) October 8, 2014
Boys discovered a box of my old Stars Wars toys in the attic. Cal asked if Chewbacca is bad. I’VE FAILED AS A FATHER YOU GUYS.
— stephen lundberg (@stephenlundberg) October 13, 2014
I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
— David B. Schlosser (@dbschlosser) October 20, 2014
If I had a nickel for every time I was asked if I have OCD I’d have about 27 coins all neatly arranged by date.
— Ben Kenney (@vatoben) October 25, 2014
If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they’re someone new entirely. You don’t have to say hi
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 3, 2014
Gas under $3, unemployment under 6%, market up & to the right. Screw that. Time to change direction.
— John Lilly (@johnolilly) November 5, 2014
Why would I make Monday worse by making it meatless?
— Jason Fox (@jason_fox) November 10, 2014
Fox: “Why did America waste money landing on a comet?” Scientist: “This is a European mission.” Fox: “Why didn’t America get there first?”
— JRehling (@JRehling) November 12, 2014
Nicholas Sparks, E.L. James & Stephenie Meyer walk into a library & it spits them out because it has better taste than the American public.
— ShauNutcracker (@goldengateblond) November 15, 2014
The guy servicing my furnace cut himself and bled on my counter which, for a germaphobe like me, means I now have to burn down my house.
— Pretty Annoyed (@prettyannoyed) November 16, 2014
Local meat market is selling an “Individual Christmas Dinner Platter” – life is hard.
— eammon (@eammon) December 16, 2014
I frequently misread ‘money’ as ‘monkey,’ which is probably how I ended up in marketing instead of finance.
— Joe Mecca (@jfmecca) December 16, 2014